I’ve lost a part of me when I loved you.
I forgot what it was like to have all my fears cloud my emotions. I laid aside every doubt I had when I came to realize that you were worth it. I succumbed to the fact that no other person could ever make me feel this way. With these said, I knew, you were different.
I forgot what it was like to laugh without any hint of you as the reason. I laid aside every sadness that would entail you as the culprit. I succumbed to the pain that you caused unconsciously. With these said, I knew, you were different.
I forgot what it was like to leave a few of the fragile pieces of my heart for me. I laid aside every lie, every hurt, every pain you caused me just to let you see that I was willing to sacrifice and love you genuinely. I succumbed to the fantasy that sugar-coated the cruel reality I was in. With these said, I knew, you were different.
I’ve lost a big part of me when I loved you.
And all I asked was that you love me back just the same, even a few ounces less, even fewer than half of what I gave.
In the end I realized, I lost myself.
"This isn’t real."
I whispered to myself as I lay beside him.
He was curled like a scared boy, sleeping. I was wide awake, beside him, staring. It has been a long time since I last saw him this close and I couldn’t even contain myself. Here I was, staring at the man I have learned to love, restless, weary, and asleep. I wanted to stop time, tell him to halt every ticking of the second. I wanted to touch his face. I wanted to pinch myself as proof that no, this is not a dream. But I was scared to wake him up, and just for a few minutes, I wanted him to escape from the cruel reality that struck him. That struck us both.
I was never easy to deal with anyway. Yet here, laying asleep beside me, is a MAN, I’m stressing out MAN because he isn’t a boy. Boys break hearts, but men fight for you. And this one did a lot of fighting for me. I strongly believe that it’s my turn to do the fighting now.
I wanted to hold his hand and whisper that just in this moment, I wanted him to know how much he means to me and how I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wanted to let him know that I wouldn’t give up on something so special, so genuine, so surreal. I know, this is the real life, and the fairytale kind of love can only be seen in movies. This is not a we’re-so-perfect-together-so-let’s-live-a-happily-ever-after kind of thing. It’s we’re-completely-different-but-I-genuinely-love-you-despite-everything kind of deal.
But I cried instead.
I cried while he breathed deeply. I cried while he made the slightest motion. I cried the moment I realized that no, I wouldn’t be able to find another beautiful, beautiful soul such as his. A soul so beautiful even when it’s aching. A soul so beautiful even when the rest of his life is falling apart. A soul so beautiful who’s staying strong despite every sign to give up. His beautiful, beautiful soul.
No, they were not tears of pain, anguish, or sorrow. I cried because there was no place I’d rather be. Here, right now, in this moment. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. It was all that mattered. He may not be at the best of both worlds, but this is all I need. Without a doubt, he is all I need.
His eyes opened when I mustered every courage to touch his face. And all the words I built up seemed to fly away when he slowly opened his sleep-deprived eyes and smiled slightly. I was ashamed to let him see me cry. So I wiped the tears away and buried myself in his embrace. And he asked why. But all the words just got lost.
I wanted him to understand though, that was the first time in my life I cried tears of joy.
Kung mapapansin niyo, hindi na ako gaano nagpopost dito. Hindi ko na kasi talaga gusto ang takbo ng Tumblr ngayon. From time to time, nagbbrowse lang ako, nagsscroll, naglalike, nagbabasa-basa. Pero nung nabasa ko mga #TumblristaKaKung tweets kagabi, ginanahan ako bumalik.
Nagsimula ako magTumblr bandang 2009. Ginamit ko yung sabinirehina na url tapos reblogger lang talaga ako noon. Unti-unti akong nagsimula magpost ng sarili kong gawang typos at inayos ko ang blog ko paunti-unti. Dumami ng sobra followers ko nung nagpost ako ng screenshots ng The Big Bang Theory circa 2010. May isa akong post na nagkaroon ng 100k likes and reblogs (eto yun o). Pinalitan ko yung url ko ng blurringrealitylines pagkatapos nun. Pero dahil pinamugaran ng mga foreigners na followers yung blog ko dahil dun, gumawa ako ng bago. Hindi ko naman dinelete yung blurringrealitylines ko. Nagstack na lang ako ng photos at ng kung anu-ano sa internet doon. Ginawa ko na ring reblog blog.
Circa 2011, gumawa ako ng bagong blog. Muffledmawkishness yung naging URL ko. Noon, sabi ko, magseseryoso na ako magblog. Take note, english pa gamit ko noon. Kaso, ‘di ako masyado naging komportable noon at nagshift ako na magtagalog na lang. Binalilk ko yung sabinirehinakong URL at nagblog ako sa paraang kinasanayan ko. Di kinalaunan, nagpalit ako to reynareynahandahil sa ilang “di inaasahang pangyayari.” Tanda ko ang finafollow ko noon sina matabangutak, pilosopogyno at dalemonyo. ‘Yang tatlong ‘yan ang lagi kong inaabangan dati sa dashboard kasi ang kwela nila. Tanda ko pa rin noon na nung finallow nila akong tatlo, mayscreenshot pa akong nalalaman. Oo, guilty ako sa ganun ganun kasi nga, duh, hahaha. Sikat yung tatlong ‘yan eh. Finafollow ko rin noon sina haponita, suni, bribery, chickboydawako, loveagirlwhoreads, isangmalakingoven etc.Dami ko ring kinamulatang issues noon. Yung mga kada kada na ni minsan, di man lang ako napasama. Hahaha. Tanda ko ring hindi na ako gaano nagbbrowse pag Thursday dahil sa TTH. At natatakot ako pag Freaky Fridays dahil baka may mangtrip na naman at manggulat.
Active ako sa dash noong panahon ng Khye-Rhads, Patrice-JP, Miggy-Maica (naging Tumblr parents ko pa nga sila eh). Naging sobrang active rin ako magskype at Tinychat. Dami kong naging kaibigang .-*pEhYmUsZz*-. nun pero yung mga mababait at friendly na famous. Yung tipong kahit hindi ka masyado nagpopost, hindi ka nila iuunfollow kasi friend ka nila.
Ang dami kong naging kaibigan. Hindi ko na iisa-isahin kasi sobrang dami talaga nila. At baka may magtampo kapag hindi ko nabanggit.
Naalala ko rin kung gaano ako naiinggit tuwing may nagpopost ng mga meetup pictures kasi sana andun din ako. Yung ang problema ng nasa probinsiya ka nakatira, at karamihan ng Tumblr friends na nakilala mo online ay taga-Manila. Kapag nagflood na sila ng pictures nila, mamatay ka na lang sa inggit.
Nagmimeet up din naman kami sa school namin. At daming naiinggit kasi schoolmate namin sa 500daysofkissingmypillowna hindi lang famous sa Pilipinas, kundi sa buong mundo. Pero, may part sa sarili ko na alam ko, gusto ko makaattend ng meet up kahit once lang sa Manila.
At sa tanang Tumblr life ko, tatlong bloggers lang nakilala ko sa personal - sina Roan, Peter at Len (see post here charot). 2011 nun, Y4IT namin sa Manila. Tapos nag-effort talaga sila makimeet sa akin nung tumakas kami ng mga barkada ko para pumunta ng SM North EDSA. Magkikita sana kami ni leeeeeyan noon kaso hindi na kami nagkaabutan.
Sa buong buhay ko rito, dalawa lang naging crush ko. Pero hindi naman ako naglandi contrary to the popular norm noon. Hahaha. Yung isa, hindi naman talaga gwapo, at yung isa ay may girlfriend na ngayon so why bother naming them? Hahaha. Nahihiya lang ako. :)) =))
Hindi naman ako naging famous. Swak lang yung naging followers ko. Dumagsa sila nung nireblog ni Dale yung post ko tungkol sa iba’t-ibang types ng anon. Ang importante sa akin, ang dami kong nakilala, at ang dami kong natutunan sa Tumblr noon.
Bandang 2012, nawalan na ako ng gana maging active kung gaano ako kaactive dati. Yung tipong nagtyatyaga talaga ako maglista kung anong pwedeng iblog. Yung tipong iniisa-isa ko talagang i-TA yung mga taong kakilala ko. Nagbago yun. Yung tipong puro rants na lang ako. Yung tipong puro mukha ko na lang at boses kong panay sabit ang pinopost ko dito. Lumayo ako, pero unti-unti ko ring napansin na yung mga kaibigan ko dati dito, unti-unti na ring nawala. Naging busy na, hindi na active o nawalan na ng gana. Nagpalit na rin ako ng URL na boundlessmusings ngayong taon lang dahil ginawa ko lang tong tapunan ng kung anu-anong echos ko na prose, etc. Lumipat na rin ako ng blogging platform kung saan mas naging seryoso ako magblog, hindi na katulad dito. Bumalik lang ako, dahil sa trending na hashtag kagabi.
Iba na kasi patakbo ngayon dito. Nakakawalang gana na rin magbasa ng posts kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na wala ng gaanong posts na kasing kwela at kasing witty tulad ng mga posts na kinasanayan ko noon. Medyo nanghihingayang ako para sa mga bago, dahil hindi na nila naabutan yung mga bloggers talaga noon. Puro “bloggers” na lang karamihan ng andito eh.
At sa halip na magpakastuck ako sa daydream na sana, sana magbalik yung lumang Tumblr, wala namang mangyayari. Kaya dapat magmove on na lang. Ang saya lang balikan, kaya ginawa ko tong blog post na to. Nadala lang din ako ng mga
Siguro nga, lahat ng bagay may panahon. May climax kumbaga. Para sa akin, 2010-2011 yung climax na yun.
At some point, at one point, I did think of the possibility that you and I could wonderfully become. But that’s all that there is to it, I guess. It’s a rare moment of giving thought to the probability of a possibility you wouldn’t dare risk. It’s like jumping off a cliff from somewhere and never expecting to fall dead.
Tic toc. Tic toc. Tic toc.
I glance at the wall clock ticking so loudly more than I’ve ever heard it before. My heart’s pounding as if it wants to come out of my chest. I take a look at the time again and not even a minute has passed.
How have we come to this?
What is the point in holding on to someone you’ve only seen once and never had the chance to meet again? How was I able to hold on despite everything - the feeling of being taken for granted, abandoned and forgotten? How can my heart still want you back despite the numerous times you have constantly walked in and out of my life?
I rebuilt my walls pretty strong when you tried to “slightly” push me away from your happy life. I had the notion that nowhere in the picture of your existence did I belong. I fervently hoped for the day that you take back the words you said, wash away the pain and welcome me back. But you went on living your life the way it was before you never knew I existed. I was on the brink of letting go. I cried out in pain and yet you never heard me. I was screaming your name and yet they were all muffled sounds. I was silently nurturing the unreciprocated affection I’ve only felt once - with you. I was, little by little, letting God.
And then you come back again, out of nowhere, to my tower which took me long to build after you decided to run away with the firmest foundation I thought I ever had - my heart. You said sorry and snap, I forgot everything. And the rest could’ve been history, but deep inside, I know I won’t let it be.
How have we come to this?
Tic toc. Tic toc. Tic toc.
Oh, I have too much
to give, only problem is,
no one even cares."